The Hostage Effect: How To Reclaim Belonging, Control, and Hope in 2025
Why this matters now
If the world has felt loud, fast, and unkind, you are not imagining it. Paul Nadeau spent 32 years in policing and major crimes, deployed to the Middle East as a peacekeeper, and became a hostage negotiator after a moment that would stop most hearts. He arrived alone to a 911 call and found a man standing on a shaky chair with a noose around his neck, a bottle in one hand and a box cutter in the other. Without formal negotiator training yet, he borrowed from months of suicide-hotline volunteering, led with empathy, and talked the man down in about thirty minutes.
Paul’s north star in moments like that is simple: I am here to help. Those four words set a different tone. They do not erase pain. They create space for someone to breathe again.
That is the core promise of The Hostage Effect. Many of us feel psychologically cornered in 2025 by fear, conflict, and systems that look bigger than any single voice. Paul’s message is not to surrender. It is to practice the human skills that bring people back from the edge and bring you back to yourself.
Related reading from my world
Breakfast Leadership blog on psychological safety and culture: https://BreakfastLeadership.com/blog
My book Burnout Proof for leaders and teams navigating sustained pressure: https://amzn.to/4l3fW0M
My book Workplace Culture for building trust and alignment that lasts: https://amzn.to/4ofDBxQ
What the hostage effect means in daily life
Paul describes the hostage effect as a conditioning. A constant drip of fear, uncertainty, and outrage trains people to shut down. You feel trapped without bars on the windows. That sense is not only emotional. It is reflected in global indicators.
The World Health Organization reported on September 2, 2025 that more than one billion people are living with mental health disorders, with anxiety and depression driving immense human and economic costs. (World Health Organization)
Gallup’s State of the World’s Emotional Health shows that in 2024, worry was reported by 39 percent of adults and stress by 37 percent, still higher than a decade ago. (Gallup.com)
In the United States, the Surgeon General warned in 2023 that loneliness and social isolation can carry health risks comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, with about half of U.S. adults reporting loneliness. (HHS.gov)
In the United Kingdom, official statistics show high anxiety levels in late 2024 remained above pre-pandemic baselines, a signal that the emotional tide has not fully receded. (Office for National Statistics)
These numbers do not define you. They describe the water many are swimming in.
The negotiator’s starter kit you can use today
Hostage negotiation is not clever lines. It is patient, respectful listening that gradually lowers threat and restores agency. That is why modern crisis negotiation models begin with active listening.
The FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Unit has long emphasized active listening skills to control tone, demonstrate empathy, build rapport, and set the conditions for peaceful outcomes. (LEB)
The Behavioral Change Stairway Model captures the sequence: Active Listening to Empathy to Rapport to Influence to Behavioral Change. You cannot skip to solutions. You earn them. (LEB)
The NYPD Hostage Negotiation Team’s motto is Talk to me. Harvard’s Program on Negotiation highlights how that simple invitation signals safety, opens communication, and builds trust. (PON Harvard)
Five micro-skills to practice in any hard conversation
Lead with the intention to help. Say, I am here to help. You are signaling low threat and high care.
Use short, open prompts. Try, Tell me more or What feels hardest right now.
Reflect feelings before facts. Say, It sounds like you feel boxed in.
Pace slowly. Silence is a tool. Give people time to regulate.
Ask permission before advising. Would it help if I shared what I am seeing?
These moves are the same levers negotiators use in standoffs and they travel well to kitchen tables and staff meetings. They reduce negative affect and keep a stuck conversation moving until options appear again. (MN Coalition Against Sexual Assault)
For a deeper foundation on culture and safety at work, explore these primers on my blog, including practical frameworks leaders can apply this week: https://BreakfastLeadership.com/blog
Belonging, trust, and why safety must come first
Psychological safety is not a buzzword. It is the precondition for honesty, accountability, and change. When people feel seen and safe, their bodies calm down. When stress drops, choices improve.
The Surgeon General’s advisory lays out the health impact and urges investments that rebuild social connection at every level. If your workplace is struggling with disengagement, start by addressing belonging and trust, not just workflows. (HHS.gov)
Gallup’s global data confirms the long shadow of worry and stress, with negative emotions higher than a decade ago. That is not a reason to despair. It is your leadership brief for 2025. Your job is to create the conditions where people can do their best work without sacrificing their health. (Gallup.com)
I share step-by-step playbooks for psychological safety and burnout prevention here: https://BreakfastLeadership.com/blog
Leaders and HR teams can go deeper with Burnout Proof: https://amzn.to/4l3fW0M
Policy, privacy, and the feeling of control
Part of the hostage effect is macro. News cycles about war, politics, and surveillance can make people feel powerless. You do not need to be a policy expert to understand how rules shape your sense of safety.
In the United Kingdom, the Online Safety Act moved from statute to active enforcement through 2024 and 2025. Ofcom has begun issuing fines and requiring risk assessments to tackle illegal content and protect children, including the first online safety fine against 4chan in October 2025. Supporters argue this protects users. Critics worry about impacts on free expression and encryption. Both can be true, which is why informed debate matters. (GOV.UK)
Encryption is another flashpoint. In early 2025 Apple removed its Advanced Data Protection feature for UK users following a government request under the Investigatory Powers Act. Reports since then have described shifting legal pressure and secret orders about encrypted cloud data, with ongoing public discussion about what the government can compel and what companies will resist. (The Guardian)
In Canada, a major privacy and AI reform package, Bill C-27, died on the order paper when Parliament was prorogued on January 6, 2025, leaving PIPEDA in place for now and the future of federal digital governance to be determined in the next session. (DLA Piper)
Why include this in an article about belonging and hope? Because the rules of the digital and civic game influence whether people feel safe to speak, organize, and ask for help. Understanding the landscape reduces fear. Acting locally restores agency.
A reality check on youth risk and mental health
Paul and I discussed pressure on young people. New research underscores the need for urgent, youth-centered solutions. The Global Burden of Disease study released on October 12, 2025 reports that while global mortality has declined, death rates among teens and young adults have risen in parts of the Americas, driven by mental health struggles including suicide and substance use. (HealthData)
Concrete context helps. In the United States, more than 49,000 people died by suicide in 2023. Globally, around 720,000 people die by suicide every year. Every one of those numbers is a person, a family, a workplace, and a community. (CDC)
Countries are responding in different ways. China’s health authority launched a 2025 to 2027 plan to expand mental health services, including hotlines and school supports, citing rising need among adolescents. (Reuters)
If your team serves youth or families, study what works locally and partner across silos. I write often about simple, scalable supports that any organization can adopt: https://BreakfastLeadership.com/blog
The phrase that changes rooms: I am here to help
When Paul says I am here to help, it is not a platitude. It is a ladder out of the hole. Neuroscience and field practice agree. Active listening, accurate labeling of emotions, and nonjudgmental presence lower threat perception and restore problem-solving capacity. The FBI uses these skills because they work when stakes are highest. That arc holds at home, at school, and at work. (LEB)
Try this the next time tension spikes.
Pause and ground. Lower your shoulders. Two rounds of inhale four, exhale six.
Name your intent. I want to help us figure this out.
Ask one open question. What feels hardest right now.
Reflect the feeling you hear. Sounds like you felt sidelined in that meeting.
Negotiate the smallest next step. What would make this ten percent better by Friday.
Those five moves walk you up the same staircase negotiators climb. You listen first. Trust follows. Influence becomes possible. Behavior changes last. (LEB)
Everyday psychological safety: a playbook for home, friendships, and work
Family
When a teen shuts down, save the lecture. Sit nearby. Say, When you are ready, I am here to help. Reflect what you notice without judgment. School looks heavy this week.
Friendships
When a friend vents, ask, Do you want me to listen or help problem-solve. That single question builds trust and prevents advice that lands as dismissal.
Workplace
Start team meetings with a two-minute check-in. Ask, What do you need to do your best work this week. Listen for obstacles. Remove one small blocker within 48 hours. Psychological safety is the compounding interest of leadership. Small, reliable acts add up.
For a structured approach to culture and retention, leaders can use my Workplace Culture frameworks and tools: https://amzn.to/4ofDBxQ and ongoing articles at https://BreakfastLeadership.com/blog
When the news makes you feel taken hostage
You cannot control macro events. You control your response and your habits.
Set two short news windows daily. For example, ten minutes at lunch and ten minutes at 7 p.m.
Pair every hard headline with a local action. Email a representative, donate five dollars, RSVP to a volunteer shift.
Practice Viktor Frankl’s freedom. Everything can be taken from a person but one thing, the last freedom to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances. Choose your next helpful fifteen minutes. (LEB)
Policy snapshot to keep perspective
The UK’s Online Safety Act is in active enforcement. Know the tradeoffs between safety and speech, and contribute to informed public comment when consultation windows open. (GOV.UK)
Encryption and surveillance debates are ongoing in the UK. Follow credible reporting and legal analysis so your stance is grounded, not fear-driven. (The Guardian)
Canada’s federal privacy reform stalled in January 2025. Track updates, but do not wait to improve your organization’s privacy posture. Use strong passwords, two-factor authentication, and minimize data collection. (DLA Piper)
Two field rules that travel everywhere
Paul closes with two rules that earned respect on the street and in interview rooms.
We are more similar than different. Start there and empathy gets easier.
You get what you give. If you want respect, demonstrate it first. If you want honesty, create safety first.
Negotiation experts would translate this into rapport before influence. Harvard’s Program on Negotiation and the NYPD encapsulate it in three words: Talk to me. (PON Harvard)
These rules are simple, not easy. They are skills. You can practice them daily.
Belonging is built, not found
A favorite moment from our conversation involved food. A simple workplace potluck turned colleagues into neighbors. People swapped stories, tried new pairings, and felt like a team. Rituals like that look small. They move mountains.
Try this at work or in your neighborhood:
Rotate show and teach lunches where someone shares a ten-minute demo, a recipe, a song, a craft.
Use a three highs, one help round at team meetings. Celebrate three wins, then ask for one piece of support.
Host a monthly ask me anything with leaders. Collect questions in advance so quieter voices are heard.
Consistency beats intensity. Twelve small moments can do what one big offsite cannot.
If you are in crisis or with someone who is
Negotiator skills do not replace clinical care. If you or someone you are with is in danger:
In the United States, call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
If there is a weapon or immediate danger, call 911 now.
Stay with the person if you can. Keep your voice steady. Say, I am here to help. I am not going anywhere. Remove obvious hazards if it is safe.
Even as you call for help, your presence matters. In Paul’s first crisis call, backup held back to preserve a calm bubble. That choice helped save a life.
For more practical mental health resources I have curated for leaders and families, visit: https://BreakfastLeadership.com/blog
Trends to watch through the end of 2025
Mental health demand keeps rising. WHO estimates more than one billion people living with mental health conditions and calls for urgent scale-up. (World Health Organization)
Emotional strain remains elevated compared to a decade ago according to Gallup’s 2025 reporting. (Gallup.com)
Digital safety and privacy debates are heating up. The UK is actively enforcing online safety rules while encryption and surveillance powers are contested. Canada’s federal reform paused. Expect more movement. (Reuters)
Youth risk requires integrated responses. GBD researchers warn of rising death rates among teens and young adults in parts of the Americas, driven by mental health and substance use. (HealthData)
Quick reference: an everyday negotiation checklist
Pause and breathe. Inhale four, exhale six, twice.
State your intent to help.
Ask one open question.
Reflect the feeling you hear.
Ask permission to share an observation.
Co-create the smallest next step.
Summarize and schedule a quick check-in.
These seven lines are the compact version of the Behavioral Change Stairway. Use them at home tonight and in your next one-to-one tomorrow. (LEB)
Conclusion
Paul Nadeau’s work shows what endures when the room goes quiet. Humility. Dignity. Presence. The willingness to say I am here to help and mean it. Those choices opened space for a stranger on a chair to choose life. They open space for teams to tell the truth and get better. They open space for families to be kinder in hard seasons.
If the world sometimes feels like it is closing in, remember Frankl’s lesson about your last freedom, the freedom to choose your response. Choose to listen. Choose to respect. Choose the next small, good step. The rest builds from there. (LEB)
Sources and further reading
World Health Organization. More than one billion people live with mental health conditions. Sept 2, 2025. (World Health Organization)
WHO fact sheet on mental disorders, updated September 30, 2025. (World Health Organization)
Gallup. Tracking the World’s Emotional Health. October 12, 2025. (Gallup.com)
U.S. Surgeon General. Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. May 2023. (HHS.gov)
FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin. Active listening skills and the evolution of crisis negotiation. (LEB)
Behavioral Change Stairway Model references within FBI publications and archival training materials. (LEB)
Harvard Program on Negotiation. NYPD Hostage Negotiations Team and the Talk to me philosophy. (PON Harvard)
Ofcom and UK Government resources on Online Safety Act enforcement phases and penalties, plus coverage of the first enforcement action. (GOV.UK)
Apple and UK Investigatory Powers Act developments on encrypted cloud data. (The Guardian)
Canada privacy and AI reform status after prorogation on January 6, 2025. (DLA Piper)
Global Burden of Disease findings on youth mortality trends in 2025 and related reporting. (HealthData)
CDC and WHO suicide statistics for context. (CDC)
ONS anxiety indicators for late 2024. (Office for National Statistics)
If one line stays with you today, let it be Paul’s: I am here to help. Try it with someone you care about, and try it with someone you find difficult. Then keep going.
