Why You Can’t Relax: How to Retrain Your Brain and Body to Rest
In today’s fast-paced, hyper-connected world, many people find relaxation almost impossible. Even when we schedule downtime, our minds keep racing, our hands reach for our phones, and guilt whispers that we should be doing more. This inability to rest is not simply about poor habits or busy calendars. At its core, it is tied to psychology, survival instincts, and cultural conditioning.
Drawing from the insights in Tiny Buddha’s article “Why You Can’t Relax and How to Let Yourself Rest,” as well as my own experience in burnout prevention and workplace culture, let’s explore why rest feels so difficult and how we can reframe relaxation as a learnable, life-saving skill.
The Deeper Roots of Restlessness
Relaxation often feels unsafe because of how our nervous systems are wired. For millennia, stillness signaled vulnerability. To survive, our ancestors stayed alert, always scanning for danger. That wiring still exists today.
For some of us, childhood environments reinforced this instinct. If you grew up in a household where chaos was the norm, being on guard became second nature. Rest may now feel foreign or even risky.
On top of that, our culture ties self-worth to productivity. The moment we stop “doing,” feelings of guilt or restlessness appear. Quiet moments can also bring up emotions we have avoided, so we bury ourselves in tasks or distractions instead.
As I have written in Burnout Proof, this connection between productivity and self-worth is one of the biggest drivers of burnout. If we do not untangle that knot, true rest will always feel out of reach.
Technology and the Dopamine Trap
Modern technology makes the situation worse. Our phones provide constant dopamine hits through notifications, news feeds, and endless scrolling. Silence, by contrast, can feel like withdrawal.
This overstimulation means our brains forget how to tolerate stillness. Rest becomes uncomfortable, and instead of healing, we chase more noise. On my Breakfast Leadership blog, I have discussed how leaders and teams often mistake busyness for effectiveness. The same applies to individuals: distraction masquerades as living, but it only deepens exhaustion.
Rest Is a Skill You Can Learn
Here is the hopeful news: rest is not an innate talent. It is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time. Just as you would not expect to lift heavy weights on your first trip to the gym, you should not expect instant ease with rest.
Start small:
Micro-moments of stillness. Begin with 30–60 seconds of quiet breathing. Notice what comes up without judgment.
Name the restlessness. Simply saying, “I feel anxious being still” helps create distance and lowers its power.
Use physical cues. Warm tea, gentle rocking, or soft blankets signal safety to your nervous system.
Create rituals. Light a candle, play soft music, or dim the lights. Rituals train the mind that rest is intentional, not accidental.
This mirrors what I often tell leaders in my keynote talks: clarity and calm are cultivated, not stumbled upon. Just like building a high-performance workplace culture, building rest habits requires small, consistent action.
Allow Discomfort to Teach You
One of the most powerful lessons from the Tiny Buddha piece is that rest may bring discomfort. Thoughts you have ignored might surface. Emotions may rise. Instead of resisting them, allow them.
This does not mean wallowing in pain. It means recognizing that rest creates space for emotional processing. Much like meditation, where distraction is part of the process, rest becomes a teacher when we accept its challenges.
I often compare this to organizational culture shifts, something I have written about in Why Your Culture Is Defined by the Worst Behaviors You Tolerate. Growth is uncomfortable, but it is necessary. The same principle applies to personal growth through rest.
Redefining Rest as Worthiness
At its heart, learning to rest is about trust and worthiness. It means trusting that the world will not collapse if you pause. It means believing that you are valuable even when you are not producing.
This reframing is vital in preventing burnout. Too often, people believe rest is indulgent or weak. But rest is not the opposite of living. It is what allows us to live fully.
External studies echo this. Research from the American Psychological Association highlights how chronic stress undermines both mental and physical health. Sleep disruption, irritability, and even cardiovascular issues all spike when rest is neglected. On the flip side, those who engage in intentional rest report higher productivity, stronger focus, and more fulfilling relationships.
Practical Next Steps for Leaders and Professionals
If you are a leader, entrepreneur, or busy professional, here are three immediate steps you can take:
Schedule rest like a meeting. Put it in your calendar and treat it as non-negotiable.
Model rest for your team. If you never unplug, neither will they. Show that balance is part of success.
Reframe downtime as fuel. Remind yourself, and your organization, that rest leads to innovation, clarity, and resilience.
As I emphasize in Workplace Culture, sustainable growth does not come from endless hustle. It comes from leaders and teams who know how to pause, recover, and re-engage.
Conclusion
The inability to rest is not a personal failing. It is a blend of evolutionary wiring, cultural conditioning, and technological overstimulation. The good news is that rest can be relearned.
By starting small, creating rituals, allowing discomfort, and redefining worthiness, you can transform rest from a guilty luxury into a healing necessity. Rest does not make you weaker. It makes you present, resilient, and fully alive.
